THUMBNAIL GUIDE TO ROTK
Gandalf, Theoden, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli go to Isengard. There they find Merry and Pippin.
Merry and Pippin - "Yo!"
Pippin - "What's this shiny thing?"
Gandalf - "Saruman is defeated. Let's go to Rohan!"
Pippin - "what's that shiny thing?"
Sauron - "RAAAARRRRR!"
Pippin - "my head!"
Gandalf - "Oh great, now we have to go to Gondor."
Meanwhile, somewhere near Minas Morgul...
Gollum - "Hee! I'm gonna trick them!"
Sam - "I heard that!"
Frodo - "Do I have to separate you two?"
Back in Gondor:
Gandalf - "Sauron is coming."
Denethor - "Talk to the hand, grandpa."
Pippin - "I'll be your servant, Denethor!"
Denethor - "Whatever."
Faramir - "Osgiliath is overrun."
Denethor - "So go re-overrun it."
Faramir - "But I'll die."
Denethor - "Whatever."
Gandalf - "Pippin, go play with fire."
Pippin - "Okay!" (lights signals)
Theoden - (sees signals) "Let's go kick ***! In three days or so, you know, whenever."
Meanwhile, back in Rivendell
Arwen - "I cry too beautifully to not be in this part of the film."
Elrond - "Why are you back here?"
Arwen - "I see dead people."
Elrond - "Wrong movie. And that was your future son. Guess I'll have to reforge that damn sword and take it to Aragorn."
Arwen - "I'll just languish here tragically, then."
Elrond - "Whatever."
Meanwhile, on a cliff near Cirith Ungol
Gollum - "I'll frame Sam!"
Sam - "I've been framed!"
Frodo - "I'm separating you two!"
Sam - (cries)
Frodo - (looks manic and tortured)
Meanwhile, back in Rohan
Elrond - "Here's your damn sword. And by the way, Arwen is languishing tragically in Rivendell, so hurry up and kick
the *** of evil, okay?"
Aragorn - "How?"
Elrond - "I see dead people."
Aragorn - "Wrong movie."
Elrond - "Just go talk to the Evil Dead and get an ***-kicking army that you will inexplicably let go before they get a
chance to, oh, I don't know, KILL ALL OF SAURON'S MINIONS, or anything useful like that."
Aragorn - "Okay."
Eowyn - "Hey! Where do you think you're going?"
Aragorn - "I'm not going to explain to you, because I am all mysterious and noble and stuff. By the way, I don't love you.
Bye!"
Eowyn - "Fine. I guess I'll run away and join the Rohirrim, then."
Meanwhile, Back in Gondor
Denethor - "My son is dead! My poor, dead son is dead!"
Pippin - "He's still breathing."
Denethor - "No he isn't."
Pippin - "Yes he is."
Denethor - "Isn't."
Pippin - "Is."
Gandalf - "Shut up and kill some Orcs, you losers!"
Denethor - "I'm feeling chilly. Build me a bonfire!"
Meanwhile, at Cirith Ungol
Gollum - "Hee! I tricked you!"
Frodo - (looks manic and tortured)
Shelob - "RAR!"
Frodo - EEK!
Sam - (halfway down stairs, stops crying, decides to stab something instead, like Gollum)
Shelob - (stabs Frodo)
Frodo - (looks manic, tortured and then unconscious)
Sam - "I need something to stab now that I've stopped crying!" (stabs Shelob)
Shelob - "RAR?" (runs away)
Sam - "Oh no, Mr. Frodo is dead!" (cries and hides)
Orcs - "He's not dead, let's take him away and torture him!"
Sam - (stops crying, starts thinking about stabbing orcs)
Meanwhile, near Rohan
Aragorn - "I see dead people!"
Legolas - "Me too!"
Gimli - "Me three!"
Dead King - "That reference is so five years ago."
Aragorn - "Fight for me, and I promise I won't actually keep you around to do any really heavy fighting, like against
Sauron's big-*** army that's still in Mordor, or anything."
Dead King - "You might be an idiot, but you do have a cool sword. Okay, let's go kick the *** of evil."
Meanwhile, back in Rohan
Eowyn - "I'm running away to join the Rohirrim! Wanna come?"
Merry - "Sure!"
Meanwhile, in Cirith Ungol
Frodo - (wakes up, looks manic and tortured)
Orcs and Uruk Hai - "Rarr! I'll kill you!" (kill each other)
Sam - "I need something to stab now that I'm not crying!" (kills orcs)
Frodo - "Sam, they got the Ring!"
Sam - "Nah, here it is. Let's go throw it in the volcano."
Frodo - (looks manic and tortured)
Sam - (manages not to cry or stab Frodo)
Meanwhile, Back in Gondor
Pippin - "Gandalf! Denethor is setting himself on fire!"
Gandalf - "So?"
Pippin - "And Faramir, too!"
Gandalf - (whacks Denethor with staff) "Bad Steward! No cookie!"
Pippin - "I told you he wasn't dead!"
Denethor - "Wah!" (throws self off of Minas Tirith)
Aragorn and Army of Dead - "Rarr!"
Witch King of Angmar - "Rarr!"
Theoden -"oof!"
Merry - "Rarr!"
Eowyn - "Rarr!"
Witch King of Angmar - "I'm mellllting! Mellllltiiiinnng!" (shrivels up and dies)
Aragorn - (to Army of Dead) "You saved the day. You can go now."
Gimli - "What about the REST of Sauron's army?"
Aragorn - "I figure we'll just ride over to Mordor ourselves and get killed horribly."
Everyone - "Okay!"
Meanwhile, over at Mt. Doom
Frodo - (looks manic and tortured, passes out)
Sam - "Oh great, now I have to carry his aristocratic *** up this sheer rock cliff. Why do I have to carry EVERYTHING
in this stupid movie?" (picks up Frodo)
Gollum - "Surprise!"
Sam - "Ow!"
Frodo - (runs)
Sam - "I'm gonna stab somebody before this is over!"
Frodo - "Screw you guys, the ring is mine!" (looks extremely manic, disappears)
Gollum - (bites Frodo)
Sam - (can't decide whether to cry or stab something)
Gollum - "I got the Precious! Neener, neener, oops!" (falls into lava)
Meanwhile, back at the Black Gate
Aragorn - "Whooee, that's a lotta army in there! Maybe I shoulda kept those dead guys around."
Everyone - "Ya THINK?"
Mt. Doom - Blammo!
Everyone - "Yay! I mean, oh no! Poor Frodo! But still, yay! Damn."
Meanwhile, on Mt. Doom
Sam - (cries)
Frodo - "Hey! I'm the one who got his finger BITTEN OFF! Why are you crying?"
Sam - "You better hope I keep crying, 'cause when I stop I'm gonna want to stab something, and you're the only living
thing around here for miles."
Frodo - "Except those giant eagles over there."
Sam - "Great. Where were they 6 months ago? Bastards."
Later -
Aragorn - "Well, we didn't all die, so I'm gonna get married and be King!
Sam - "And I'm gonna get married and be Mayor of the Shire!"
Frodo - "And I'm gonna sail into the West with Gandalf, Bilbo and the elves!"
Sam - (sighs) "But first, I'm gonna have to cry some more and not stab anything."
Merry and Pippin - "And we're gonna smoke some pipeweed!
Everyone - "Yay!"
The End